Infertility is evil but it can be beaten.
Infertility is much more than the need to have a child.
It ravages a woman’s brain first. It seeks every compliment ever spoken and every uplifting word in her mind. On those compliments from others and inspiration, it rewrites a story of failure. It marks her unworthy. It’s a curse that sucks the life out of her brain causing crushing depression and madness.
You WILL NOT UNDERSTAND unless you have been infertile. Husbands may share the pain but they will never come close to sharing the burden. It is a woman’s right of passage, an age-old tradition. It is encoded in her DNA by the hands of God himself. It was even out of his mouth he told Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” (Genesis 1:28)
God himself put it inside a woman. A maternal NEED that completes her identity. If she can’t bare children. If she can’t get pregnant year after year…decades even. What does that say about her?
I can say this much right now. She will abuse herself mentally. She will torment herself daily. She will doubt herself as a wife, a friend, or even as a daughter. She can’t give anyone children, grandbabies. She doesn’t fit in with other moms. She’s getting older. IT’S A TICKING time bomb but instead of exploding it’s a bomb that leads to nothing. No child. Bad wife. Bad daughter. Bad. Worthless.
What are her thoughts towards God? Does she blame him!? Oh most definitely. At one point or another. I did say this was the secret and wicked truth of infertility right? You can deny it, hide it, or run from it, but I know the truth and so does YOUR God.
There was a time I BLAMED God. Yes, that’s right, me. I gave up everything and became suicidal. I won’t go into details on the events that lead me here but I will say I never thought I would make it out.
That the crushing darkness would leave or that I would quit giving the cold shoulder to God. I went MONTHS without speaking to him. Then I began to talk to him again, but it wasn’t a good talk. One night I even began to question his goodness, his mercy, his justice. I even called him a MONSTER. Shocked? Yea so was I. It all made sense. He was a bad God. A cruel God. That’s what I believed, for a split moment. You never know what grief will do to you or how it will affect your brain. I realized that day how weak I truly was and just how much I needed God.
Ever yelled at someone and said mean things just because they were close to you? You knew they wouldn’t leave if you said hateful things? Did you need to vent? I did that to God. For a long time. Oh, how sorry I am!!!!!! Oh God, how disrespectful and cruel I was. I was the monster.
YET I know what’s the greatest is that even in my angry desperation and fits he just stood there listening. I can see it now. He had his hand on his chin, tilting his head, concerned as I screamed, “You’re a monster!”. Then when it was all over and I was a puddle crying and apologizing, he just grabs me. Holds me. Loves me, because he is a good God.
I say this to say 3 things. Read all the way to the 3rd.
1. Very important. You DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS. You would not make a bad mother. God is not protecting your future kids from you by making you barren. There are terrible mothers out there right now and you will not be one. You did nothing wrong. Your anger at God will not stop him from fulfilling his promise.
2. I know it hurts more than anyone can understand. Your pain is unique. You feel alone in it and I validate that. You’re validated, but I also want to say your not alone. Look up. Tons of women are going through it and tons are getting pregnant after many years of infertility.
3. Most important. God spoke this over me after I began to come out of my grief. After I repented for the crude things I said. He spoke this over me and he’s speaking it over you! ????
All infertility is, is a promise unfulfilled and there has NEVER been a promise God hasn’t kept. (Psalm 113:9)
Read that again until you get it. Patience future mama, patience. ❤????